There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. “Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”, the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. “I’m eleven!” the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, “Bet cha’ can’t guess how old I am today”.
“Let me give it a guess”, grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, “You’re eleven years old”.
“How did you know?” the boy asked.
Grandma replied, “I heard you tell your father”.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said “You’ve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex.” Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, “That was a huge mistake, Jon. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.” Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said “Admit it, Jon, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The man replied, “It’s fart football… I just scored.”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”
Now the pressure’s on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”
The man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides.”
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
One day a boy goes to his grandmother’s house and asks if he can jump into the shower with his granny.
His grandma says okay, and while in the shower the boy looks down and sees his grandma’s vagina, and asks, “Hey grandma, what’s that?” and she says, “oh that’s just my beaver, dear”
The next day the boy goes to his mom’s house, when he asks to jump into the shower with his mommy, she says “ok”
While in the shower, the little boy looks down and sees his mother’s vagina and asks, “Hey ma, what’s that?” and the mother says, “That’s just my beaver, why do u ask?”
The little boy replies, “Because grandma’s got a beaver too, except I think it’s dead cause it’s tongue is hangs out.”
One Friday night, Little Suzy decides she wants to borrow her fathers truck so she can go out and have fun. She walks into the living room where her father is lounging in his lazy boy recliner, drinking beer and watching television.
She says ” daddy let me borrow the keys to your truck”
Her daddy eyeballs her and replies ” if you want to use my truck you know what you got to do!”
Little Suzy replies ” Ahh daddy I hate suckin your dick” But she drops down and begins the dirty deed.
Suddenly her head pops up, and she spits and says “EWWWWW daddy your dick tastes like shit!”
Her daddy replies “that reminds me, your brother already borrowed the truck tonight”
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, “Mommy, I got five dollars!” The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ”Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, “Don’t you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.”
”OOOOhhhh” said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, “Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”
The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.”
The mother replied, “Didn’t I tell you that he is…”
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ”Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn’t wear any panties today.”
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”
“Great,” says Tom. “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.”
“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More’n likely be some wild sex, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
A doctor at a college campus is giving free physicals for one week only. Early in the week a girl comes into his office. The doctor asks her to remove her shirt. The girl proceeds and the doctor immediately notices that the girl has a large “A” in the middle of her chest. The doctor asks “How did you get that A on your chest?” The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the university of Alabama, and when they make love he likes to keep his letterman jacket on. The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off. A little later that week he sees another girl. When she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large “I” in her chest. The doctor asks “How did you get that I in your chest?” The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa and when we have sex he likes to keep his letterman jacket on. The doctor than begins to wonder if all college students keep their letterman jacket on during intercourse. Even later that week another young women comes in and removes her shirt. Sure enough there is a large “W” carved into the women’s chest. The doctor quickly asks, “Let me guess your boy friend goes to Wisconsin?” The girl replies no, my girlfriend goes to Minnesota.
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are talking about how their lives suck. The cucumber says, “when I get big, hard, and juicy, they cut me up and put me in a salad.”
The pickle says, “That’s nothing. When I get big, hard, and juicy, they put me in a jar of vinegar, and add spices to me.”
The penis says, “You’re lives are great compared to mine. When I get big, hard, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up.”
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. “Mom”, the boy asks, “What’s a pussy?”
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” the son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.”
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy!”
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?”
The dad replies, “That’s everything outside the circle!”
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it’s inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So…
They buried her.
There was this white collar desk jockey. It was his anniversary, 15 years. He was looking forward to a night out on the town with his wife when his boss enters his cubicle and tells the man that a big project is behind schedule and he has to stay late until it’s done.
The guy get’s pissed off. But seeing as it’s either his job or his wife, he calls home and tells his wife that he has to stay late at work to finish a project.
She gets all pissed off and tells him that she’ll just probably go to bed then.
The guy knowing that his wife will be eternally pissed unless he comes up with something good, thinks about his situation, and comes up with the answer.
He’ll go home, sneak into the house, sneak into the bedroom and proceed to sneak under the covers and then start eating out his wife’s snatch, it’s her favorite thing in the whole bedroom scene.
“Well, that’s what I’m gonna do,” he tells himself.
He gets done with his project at about 10p.m. and goes home, sneaks in, sneaks into the bedroom, and sneaks under the covers. He starts going to town. She starts moaning and groaning. After a bit, he thinks to himself, “HOLY F**K, this tastes awful, I need to do this more often to keep it clean. But Oh, well, it’s our anniversary and she deserves it.” So he keeps going, and about 15 minutes into it he can’t take anymore, crawls out from under the covers and bolts towards the master-bath.
He flings the door open, turns on the light, and screams, “HOLY SHIT.”
His wife, who’s sitting on the toilet, says, “SHHHHHH!, your mom is spending the night.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so, ” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
Paul says, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”
Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”
Harry says, “My God. What’s the good news?”
The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead.”
A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
…Read MoreThe next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.
One day a Chinese, Japanese, and a Black man all went to hell.
The devil told them that if he could hold their dick for 3 seconds that they could go to heaven, if not they would be thrown in the fiery pit. So the Chinese guy walks up the devil says 1 and it goes up in flames. So the devil throwes him in the fiery pit. Next the Japanese guy walks up the devil goes 1… 2 poof it goes up in flames. So the devil throwes him in the fiery pit. Then the black guy goes up. The devil counts 1.. 2.. 3 nothing happens. the devil goes “let me count again” 1.. 2.. 3. the devil goes why didn’t it go up in flames. The black guy says chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” “Why, yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears,” came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” “Well,” she said stammering, “you have no ears.”
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” Much to his surprise, the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
Tony was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.
“How in the world did you know that?”, he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!”
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”
A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.”
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go To Iraq.”
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen.
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen! I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they heard a Pakistani accent say, “you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop.” so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being a sex super hero.
The husband, “how could sandals make you into a sex freak?”
The Pakistani man replied, why don’t you see for yourself?”
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in years– raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!”
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed: “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said: “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Charlie’s an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, “There’s a problem with Mrs. Whittaker.”
The boss says, “What’s that?”
Charlie says, “I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”
The boss says, “That’s impossible. Show me.”
They go to the table where she’s lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, “See? There’s a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”
The boss takes a closer look and says, “You jerk, that’s not a piece of shrimp. That’s her clit.”
Charlie says, “Her clit?????? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp.”
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine-cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers.
“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ‘em out, they’re assholes!”
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“F**k me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
One day a bus full of catholic school girls crashed and they went to the gates of heaven where they were judged.
The first girl stepped up from the line and Christ asked “Have you ever been in contact with a male organ?”
The girl blushed and says “Yes I once touched the tip of one.” God said “Put your finger in the holy water and pass through.”
He asked the next girl, “Have you ever come in contact with a male organ?” she replied “I once fondled one.” he said “Dip you hand in the holy water and pass.”
All at once there was a big commotion in line. God brought forth two girls and asked “What was wrong?” The redhead replied “If I am going to have to gargle that water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her ass in it!”
One day a man bought a new house and a dog and he wanted to name them. He was thinking up names while walking around in the street and then he walked into a pole and said SHIT! So he named his dog shit!
And then he was walking around in the street again thinking of names for his new house. This unfortunate man walks into a pole again and says Asshole! So he names his house asshole.
One day his dog had disappeared. He goes to the police station and explains to the officers….”Please help me search for my shit, I have looked around everywhere in my asshole, but couldn’t find it”
A Pastor rears chicken in the church premises.
One evening a cock went missing.
In Church the next day, Pastor asked – “who has a cock?” All the men stood up.
He said – “No, I mean who has seen a cock?” All the women got up”
Pastor- “No, no I meant who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”
Half of the women got up
He said “Oh for goodness sake I mean!! Who has seen my cock?”
All the choir boys got up. The pastors wife fainted.
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks. Not knowing what to do, the first guy said: “I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I’ll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you’ll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing me penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we’ll run out without paying!” The second guy agreed and they started carrying out their plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them. The two guts were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. They visited seven bars, did the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home. The second guy said. “Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can’t take it anymore.” “NO no no, I am beat.” The first guy argued.” I lost that hot dog ever since the second bar!”
An octopus walks into a bar and says “I can play ANY musical instrument that you like!” An Englishman gives him a guitar, which he plays better than Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano, which he plays better than Elton! A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes so the Scotsman asks “Whats wrong? Can ye no play it?” The octopus replies “Play it? Im gonna f**k her brains out, once I get her pajamas off !!!”
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, “Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered, “Uh, yes ma’am. We do.”
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, “D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?”
“Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”
Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”
“Well yes, ma’am, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?”
“Yes, ma’am, one of them does.”
“W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?”
A woman was sitting in an airplane waiting for her flight to start. As she waited, a man sat down next to her. She asked him his name. He replied Bob. About fifteen minutes into the flight Bob sneezed. After sneezing he took out his penis and wiped it off with a tissue. The woman was disgusted, but out of shyness didn’t say anything. Thirty minutes later he sneezed again. Again he took out his penis and wiped it off. The woman was again disgusted. But yet again, out of shyness, didn’t say anything, but resolved to say something if he did it again. Sure enough about forty-five minutes later he sneezed again. He proceeded to remove his penis from his pants and wipe it off. By now, the woman was sick of seeing this and asked him why he did it. The man replied “I have a medical condition. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.” The woman, shocked, said “Oh, what do you take for that?” The man replied “Pepper.”
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?”, he asks again.
“Listen you, I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the guy run around the next block and faces her again.
“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?’
“Nah”, he replies. “Costs way too much!”
Two couples were playing cards one evening.
One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray’s wife Trish, had her thighs spread wide, and she wasn’t wearing any knickers! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Trish followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under the table?”
Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you 50 bucks.” After taking a minute or two to assess the offer, Jerry admitted that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn’t, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray’s house for sex with Ray’s wife at 2:00 sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $50, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Trish had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.
Ray returned home from work at 6:00. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, “Did Jerry come by with some money?”
With a lump in her throat, Ray’s wife answered, “Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray asked, “And did he give you 50 dollars ?”
In terror she assumed she’d somehow been rumbled, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me 50 dollars.
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, said, “Good, I was hoping so. He came to the office this morning and borrowed 50 dollars and promised me he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
“Hey, hows it going?”
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, “Not too bad thanks.”
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
“What are you up to?”
Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, “Having a quick sh*t, what about you?”
He heard the voice again….
“Hold on, I’m going to have to call you back. There’s some dumb ass is in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.”
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
45 year old man had a rough day. Firstly when he got to job his boss told him that he must fire him due the recession. So the man is thinking: Ok I lost my job…. But my wife and daughter have a job and my son is half way thru college so we will manage. He gets home and hears some noise from his bedroom. He ran in and there is his wife with a black man in bed. The man was shocked but got distracted by other noises in house. He ran to his daughter’s room and finds her with a black woman in bed, and his son with two black man in bed.
So he starts to think. My wife is a slut, daughter is lesbian, and son is gay. I better end my life right now since there is no point staying here.
So he gets to the roof of his building. Before he jumps an elf comes to him. What you doing he asks. The man explains everything, and elf says: I will grant you three wishes, if you suck my dick. So the man thinks, I can wish for all this not happened so that sucking also won’t happen. So the man does what had to be done. Elf smiling and satisfied asks him..
How old are you?
45 answers the man
Aren’t you bit too old to believe in elves?
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, “If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won’t be sent to jail.”
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
”I got 17 people to get off drugs,” says the first guy.
”Wow, how’d you do that?” asks the judge.
”I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.”
”Oh, that’s nothing!” said the second guy. “I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.”
”Wow. How’d you do that?” asked the judge.
”Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison…”
A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this…
‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”
Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”
This man took a hooker into a motel room They exchanged money and began to have sex When the man was having sex his penis hurt…He felt like something was clawing at him.
He stopped having sex and said, “Ouch, it’s really rough in there…” The hooker excused herself to the bathroom and a few moments later came back They continued to have sex and it was soft and felt so good…. The man said, “Ooooh baby, that feels so good….hmmm what did you do to make your pussy feel so smooth?” and she said “oh I picked some of the scabs off”
A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, “what did you do at school today hunny?” “Oh i had sex with my teacher,” he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, “Go talk to your son…he had sex with his teacher today!!!!”
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, “son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted.”
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, “Nah dad my bum is still sore.”
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on “washing machine”.
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine”.
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a sore head”.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine”.
Husband replies, “To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife’s refusal, the husband inquires of his wife, “Why don’t you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?”
The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and inquires of his wife, “Why don’t you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?”
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. “What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?” she asks, hesitantly.
“I don’t rightly know, replies the woman, “but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon.”